21-to-30-Year-Olds Rejoice Release Of 8th Children’s Book

February 22, 2016
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The mediasphere is reeling after hearing the news that beloved author and necromancer J.K. Rowling was releasing a not-asked-for sequel to the now-octilogy, Harry Potter. Many young adults and regular adults rushed home, put on their dusty Halloween costumes from ten years ago, and began jumping up and down on their beds.

One such 21-year-old, Rob Ryans, relishes the opportunity to relive his past. “I heard in the new one, everyone is grown up and working super-cool menial wizard jobs.” He lowers his voice and closes in, breath smelling equal parts of butterbeer and crystal meth: “Apparently, Ron and Hermione are swingers now, and Hermione got a controversial race-conversion spell cast on her. Harry killed Ginny but got off with community service since redheads aren’t human, and is now a shriveled hermit, only coming out of isolation to donate to Hogwarts and buy chocolate frogs.” Ryans then played a game of pick-up Quidditch with his intramural collegiate team.

Further speculation is abuzz, talks of a new movie already being considered, alongside licensed Lego kits, barbie dolls, video games, board games, DVD games, trivia games, fan fiction, fan erotica, Halloween costumes, sexy Halloween costumes, annotated readers guides, themepark tie-ins, novelty jellybeans, novelty chocolate, novelty remote controls shaped like wands, hats, shoes, shirts, pants, dresses, onesies, pajamas, lingerie, home decor sets, paints, pool parties, costume parties, high fashion cross-collaborations, Jaden Smith endorsements, and annoying arbitrated tweets by Rowling herself about inane characters’ backstories and birthdays.

“I just want to be clear,” Rowling says, “I’m doing this because I feel like the stories weren’t finished.”