SACRAMENTO, CA — Lead sociologists at the University of Sacramento have uncovered disturbing evidence in the ongoing battle against status quo. People covering up their lack of interests with stickers of things they’re vaguely aware of on their Macbook Pro that their parents paid for, in an effort to appear an engaging and sentient part of society, aren’t fooling anyone. The Orange Stripe reports:
“We’ve noticed universally that the more stickers you have on your macbook, the less likely you are to be a person worth talking to or even worth occupying space,” says lead researcher Kevin Durant. “The most obvious culprits are people with a shitton of band stickers, but this also applies to vocal feminists who have supplemented ideology for self-awareness and self-love, people who watch too much goddamn anime, and people who just wanted something on their Macbook so as to not feel left out. Similar trends have been uncovered in the past, such as the prevalence of bumper-stickers on a car and the likelihood a person’s political opinion is worth considering, as well as the number of tattoos being an exponent on the function of number of strangers had unprotected sex with. Basically everything is fucked, the time to panic is now.”
Advocate of sticker-vomit as a thin facade of interest, John Jacob, defends his position: “Of course I like Animal Collective! They’re just…great. And yes, I support using condoms during sex not that I have sex haha, but if I did I’d be sure to use one! Yeah I’d consider myself a male feminist. I don’t really campaign or anything, but I do subscribe to the ideals of equality, y’know? That one? Oh I love Reddit, I’m basically there all the time. You should see some of the sticker collections people on r/stickers have, macbooks two or three inches thick with sticker all over them. Where are you going? Don’t you want to talk about how God isn’t real? Maybe Bernie Sanders?”
The study comes at a time when shitty people are as commonplace as ever, meaning a drastic upheaval of friendships and a surge passive-aggressive Facebook comments in months to come, in a perfect 1-to-1 recreation of the Dr. Seuss skit on star-bellied sneetches.