Lack of female action figures makes play time super gay

April 25, 2016
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Comic studios have long struggled to find ways to under-represent the female and gay communities at large, but due to the lack of any female action figures to play with, the adventures of young boys nationwide have reportedly become “super gay”. Especially for the neighbor boy, Timmy Hamburger.

With figures such as Black Widow and Agent Maria Hill largely unavailable, Timmy’s play time with the Avengers includes only handsome, muscular, and idealistic hunks whose rough exteriors simply melt under Timmy’s soft touch. As a result, when the end of the school year approaches who is the Hulk supposed to take to the prom?

Obviously campus heartthrob Captain America! But as Hulk and the Captain steal a kiss and dance the night away in the Grand Avengers’ Ball room, there are dark forces plotting against them.


Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger were devastated to find their son had become so influenced by gay culture that he became gay himself. After a morning of shopping they came home to find the boat shoes and Vineyard Vines vest-jacket they bought him had turned to ash upon touching his skin because it was too conservative for him. It made such a mess that they had to miss the lawn party and were late to the horse derby that afternoon.

Shaken, the Hamburgers reinvigorated a decades long struggle to bring a more accurate representation and a greater inclusivity of women to comics. That way they could promote the exclusivity of the gay community at large, which misogyny was allowing to slowly seep in.

“Without the cosmetics kit that might come with a female action figure,” Mrs. Hamburger fumed at a recent press conference, “our son has had to spend hours collecting minerals in the backyard to create his own eye shadow and blush for his Hawkeye figurine. Activities that could all be accomplished in a few minutes with a female action figure now eat up hours of Timmy’s time. We implore Marvel to produce more female figures for sons everywhere in order to ‘keep the gay at bay’.”

The Hamburgers echo the call other feminists have sounded against Marvel, most recently with the marketing behind the Avengers: Age of Ultron toys. As one such feminist notes, “Even if you’re a total misogynist you’d have to agree Scarlett Witch is at least ten times cooler than Hawkeye. She can glow, shoot magic out of her hands, and like, totally deserves a huge toy line. And really, Quicksilver was in the Titan series toy bundles but not Scarlett Witch!?! Come on, Marvel, even Spiderman 3 is more popular than him.”

It appears Marvel and the greater comics industry must make the difficult choice as to which community they’d like to under-represent more. In the mean time, Timmy’s parent’s fear their child is under threat of sexual confusion by another industry – the film industry. Most notably with his Star Wars nesting dolls, which show a man giving birth to another man, some machines, and an alien.

Star Wars nesting doll