Gun range spree shooting leaves 0 dead

Richmond, VA. President Obama is calling for a renewed persistence in how America deals with guns after an assailant entered a gun range with 4 semi-automatic weapons and over 1,000 rounds of ammunition. Witnesses on-scene allege that the forty-year-old veteran, an avid gun collector for years, calmly placed his weapons down at an open range station before hand-loading them each with meticulous care. He then open-fired, lethally shredding several holes into a piece of paper at the end of the range.

“It’s just horrible!” says Democrat Dean Trill, “Don’t get me wrong, nobody was hurt, but imagine if someone was. JUST IMAGINE! ARE YOU IMAGINING?” Trill then passed out.

Sources claim that while no physical injuries were sustained during the incident, three others on-site were shocked by how accurate the man’s spread was, while another was worried that the man was too old to properly handle his rifle.

Obama addressed the incident in a public press event soon thereafter, “It is our responsibility, no, our duty as citizens to ensure well-being and safety for all. Sure, less people are killed annually by rifles than knives, and sure, when you account for suicide and self-defense, America is on par with the rest of the world for violent events per capita, but I feel like guns are responsible, and that must mean they are.”

The man is still not at large. He cleaned each of his guns after firing them and then went home, where he stored them in a child-proof gun locker. He then proceeded to have pot-roast for dinner and mediocre sex with his wife.