Mr. Mittens Vermont senator and former presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has recently suspended his presidential campaign to take on a burden he believes no other living person is fit to address: preserving the Tree of Life for the next thousand years by watering it with the last unicorn tear. The Tree of Life is known to follow a natural rhythm of producing a thousand years of prosperity followed by a millennium of ruin. With the Tree’s decline over the past 100 years it’s evident that the cycle has turned to recession and that the only way to preserve the current environment is for someone to make the perilous quest to water it. A quest that can only be completed by the Chosen.
But can Sanders succeed?
He certainly has the means to. Equipped with a family sized bag of granola, homemade toothpaste, a bunch of aboriginal shit from a local arts and crafts fair, and Al Gore’s eight legged horse, Sanders left at dusk to begin his trek to the Tree’s home in Derris Kharlan.
But this will be no walk in the park; the trials before him will be grueling. The 74 year old will have to cross brutal deserts, spelunk through 30 second TV ads using the words “clean coal”, combat foreign energy companies such as TransCanada which can invoke eminent domain to seize private American land in order to build the Keystone XL pipeline, and swim through articles saying he’s 75 (because fact checking is for chumps).
The greatest challenge ahead of him, however, will be defeating the former Chosen, Newt Gingrich, who abandoned the call. Once a promising hero, Gingrinch cosponsored aggressive environmental bills to prevent global warming, global climate change, and promote cap-and-trade programs to mitigate carbon emissions. Then he said that like maybe these issues didn’t really exist. Then he cosponsored some more environmental bills to reduce carbon emissions and appeared in a television ad with Nancy Pelosi calling on the American people address climate change. Then he was like yeah jk it’s probs not that big of a deal.
Many wonder if Bernie could defeat such a formidable opponent by himself. Even Bernie does. That’s why he’s sealed the spirit of Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) in a portrait tattoo of the congresswoman sprawled across his chest. In the event that Gingrich gets the upper hand in armed combat, Sanders can rip open his shirt and summon the green Democrat to battle. Rumors have even circulated that Sanders has a second portrait tattoo on his back of environmentalist Barbara Boxer (D-CA), though if the situation with Newt gets that dire, many wonder if Sanders have both the mana and stamina available to make a second summon. Only time will tell.
In the meantime Republican Ben Carson has also suspended his presidential campaign to tackle the big issues regarding the Tree of Life. Primarily, where the next unicorn tears will come from. Using modern DNA techniques he hopes to devolve horses into unicorns. That is, take unicorn DNA and splice it into horses so that their future offspring will go backward in the evolutionary tree (devolve) and more closely resemble unicorns. While not the first to carry out large scale devolution projects, Dr. Carson rose to national prominence as a pioneer for the technique when he became the first human to splice his own brain tissue with Neanderthal DNA. Since the distance between Neanderthals and homo-sapiens was not as large as that between unicorns and horses, Dr. Carson was able to devolve his intelligence within his own lifetime and not wait for it to occur over many generations. When asked if his belief in devolution was incompatible with his faith Ben Carson noted, “just because there’s no evidence evolution happened doesn’t mean we can’t still devolve.”
(Photo by CCBee)
