Mr. Mittens Researchers at the American Anthropological Association have been observing the effects of superhero movies on different cultures around the world, particularly in how easy they make it seem to topple oppressive, totalitarian regimes. After the release of popular Marvel films, such as The Avengers, these analysts have found that the films have largely misguided Syrians as to how easy it is to win a revolution by repeatedly punching nondescript enemies in the face.
In a 200 page report released last week, the study explained that the biggest factor contributing to this misguided hope comes from the Marvel films’ endings. These endings are well known for climaxing in a final battle where both sides engage each other in an all out, banzai/suicide-style attack. This strategic maneuver, dubbed by military historians as “one of the stupidest ideas ever in modern warfare,” has a lot of appeal as a plot point because it allows studios to “make lots of things explode everywhere for an entire 10 minute sequence.”
But genocidal endings not only allow the films to showcase breathtaking visual effects. They also allow the plots to wrap up nicely with closure. It’s easy to ethnically cleanse Chitauri aliens and Ultron bots because they look different and their sole purpose is to kill everyone. If the Avengers decided not to kill them all, they would have to figure out how to integrate the conquered people into society in a way that they wouldn’t have the means to immediately rearm and fight, but also in a way that they would not be too cruelly punished. An intense punishment could reignite long held feuds as has happened in Syria, or in the better known example of Germany after the first World War. But let’s be honest, nobody in the audience cares about this policy nonsense anyway because Iron Man can shoot missiles out of his hands.
Can you imagine? Missiles out of your hands would be so convenient. You’d never have to use a door again and you can finally put a sun roof in your car. Besides, when was the last time you watched C-SPAN anyway? Do you even know what C-SPAN stands for?
(But really, I have no idea, what does C-SPAN stand for?)
The report went on to say that if anyone had the ability to clone themselves very rapidly like Ultron does, they would have to be incredibly stupid to not scatter hidden clones across the planet in case their plan is ultimately foiled. Anyone who has touched the strategy game StarCraft knows the second your plans start to implode, you scatter your minions across the map and rebuild elsewhere. That is if you haven’t already built multiple bases. Even if you can’t eventually rebuild your empire or find an ally to help you win the game, your new bases allow you to be a dick to your opponent and force them scout the entire map so the game can finally end.
The association’s report offers some well thought out analysis. Unfortunately, it fails to include any mention of the iconic Syrian characters that have graced the Marvel universe. As a result we’ve compiled a list of a few of the most influential Syrian Marvel characters to date and included them below:
Carpet Man- A ruthless villain, Carpet Man had the ability to multiply himself so he could appear at every vendor stand in the bazaar and accost tourists passing by. His evil plan was to talk visitors into buying kilim rugs to hang on their walls which no one ever wanted to do. Once a tourist made eye contact with him, he would not let them leave and would yell sad stories about his family at them as they tried to walk away. The six issue story arch undoubtedly left thousands of emotional scars on its readers.
Magic Carpet – where would the great hero Prince Rashad be without his trusty flying carpet, Magic Carpet? While one of the most popular characters in the world today, Magic Carpet was actually a very controversial figure when he first appeared. His backstory is that he was woven by a warrior Bedouin of the Ruwallah tribe while passing through the Forgotten Cities. But the Forgotten Cities are located in northern Syria and the Ruwallah tribe is in southern Syria! This geographical snafu hurt the publisher’s reputation with readers for years. It was only after a decade-long hiatus that Marvel revamped the character, this time with a Syrian writer at the helm. And now, you can hardly step outside without seeing someone wearing a Magic Carpet sweatshirt or holding a Magic Carpet coloring book.
Mother Samira- while she had no powers herself, Mother Samira was an invaluable asset to the coalition of teenage superheroes, The Mighty Five. After defeating a tough enemy there was nothing the Five looked forward to more than having some of Samira’s sweet apricot paste. Always a source of wisdom, she made sure the team ate their fattoush to grow up big and strong, and reminded them to flip their mattresses every six months.
