Will Mann I’M BATMAN! And there is this new movie called DEADPOOL! POOL, as in the stinky pool of muck that the slime of this city crawl out of to spread their terror and spite for the common man, letting their stench and total disregard for civilization and for human life follow wherever they go, and DEAD as in BOTH MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!
I’M BATMAN! DEADPOOL is SUPPOSED to be a FUNNY MOVIE! Well, if I HAD my WAY, there would be NO SUCH THING as a FUNNY superhero MOVIE! SUPERHEROES are supposed to be DARK and MYSTERIOUS as they are WATCHFUL and EVER-VIGILANT in the CITIES they call home, AND they ARE MOST CERTAINLY not SUPPOSED to be making FUNNY CRACKS about HONEY BOO-BOO’S MOM to the audience! BEING a SUPERHERO is a HEAVY RESPONSIBILITY, one where the burden is life or death, where you are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to stop villainy, to look into the face of evil itself and triumph over it using nothing but your own willpower, and then this FREAK in a HAND-ME-DOWN, CHEAP KNOCK-OFF SPIDER-MAN COSTUME comes along, flips around DROPPING ONE LINERS and THE F-BOMB!
I’M BATMAN! In this MOVIE, DEADPOOL teams up with a member of the X-MEN team WHO IS made out of STEEL, and his NAME is COLOSSUS! BIG DEAL! When I TEAM up WITH other SUPERHEROES, I literally TEAM UP not WITH a man MADE OUT of STEEL, but with the actual MAN OF STEEL himself! The other X-Man WHO COMES along is NOT EVEN A MAN, but a TEENAGE GIRL named NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD! THAT SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF MY WEAPONS! Also, if I WAS running THIS SHOW, any FEMALE TEENAGE SIDEKICK would AUTOMATICALLY ADOPT the name of the LEAD SUPERHERO! That’s WHY all my various BATGIRLS are named BATGIRL! Because I’M BATMAN, and I’M THE BOSS! NEGASONIC Female WARHEAD should HAVE done the SAME THING and JUST changed HER name to DEADPOOL GIRL!!!
I’M BATMAN! DEADPOOL battles a VILLAIN named AJAX! Except DEADPOOL calls him by his REAL NAME, which is FRANCIS, in order to DEMEAN and MAKE FUN of HIM! THAT IS SO UNFAIR! I have never ONCE referred to my NEMESIS, THE JOKER, by his REAL NAME, even DESPITE all the evil and CARNAGE he has put this city through… Hell, now that I think about it, I’m not EVEN SURE that I know his real name…
I’M BATMAN, and I HATED THIS MOVIE FOR MAKING JOKES at the EXPENSE all of MY MOVIES! In fact, I CHALLENGE DEADPOOL TO A FIGHT for DENIGRATING the good name of SUPERHEROES EVERYWHERE! WE SUPERHEROES used TO BE dark AND GRITTY, and here DEADPOOL comes WITH all his DAMN WINKING POP-CULTURE REFERENCES! He MAY have the POWER of COMEDY and SATIRE in his ARSENAL, but can he survive my ARSENAL and the possibility of TAKING A BATARANG TO THE FACE without making some LAME JOKE about IT!?!?
He… he probably can… he has a healing ability, after all… And he’s also a trained assassin and mercenary… Aw, man, I did NOT think this through…
PRETEND LIKE YOU DIDN’T HEAR THAT! I’M BATMAN, AND I WILL DEFEAT DEAPOOL JUST AS I PROMISED IN THE UPCOMING FILM BATMAN V. DEADPOOL: DAWN OF CHIMICHANGAS!
I just sure hope he’s as susceptible to Kryptonite as the other guy is…
