Will Mann I’m BATMAN!! And my new movie, BATMAN v. SuperMAN: Dawn of JUSTICE is great!! Who ISN’T pumped for ME to do BATTLE with the MAN OF STEEL for over 2 HOURS of quality MOVIE-MAKING!?!
Well, actually, me and him only fight for, like, 10 minutes, tops. It’s, uh, it’s a bit underwhelming in that sense…
And when I fight SUPERMAN, I used canisters of KRYPTONITE GAS to weaken him!!! But with its green coloring and texture, the Kryptonite gas kind of resemble farts…
And then I RIP a sink out of a wall and SMASH IT ON HIS HEAD!! (Who am I, a character in a Martin Scorsese movie?)
BUT WHO CARES?!? WE are joined in this FIGHT by WONDER WOMAN!! How COOL is THAT!?!?
But she’s, uh, she’s like barely in the movie at all? And the movie doesn’t really do a good job of introducing her to the audience. Or telling us who she is how she relates to this universe beyond just an arbitrary photograph of her taken 100 years ago…
But THAT doesn’t MATTER!! Because the OTHER members of the JUSTICE LEAGUE are also in THIS MOVIE!!!
For like 10 seconds each, in scenes that look like they were shot on iPhone and edited on Windows MovieMaker. And Wonder Woman just kinda looks at them. Like, the scene is just her staring at a laptop for a couple of minutes while these stupid little introductory scenes play out…
BUT what ABOUT me, BATMAN!?!? AREN’T I AWESOME in this MOVIE!?!
Well, the answer is OBVIOUS. OF COURSE I AM!! But, like, I also brand people in this movie…? Like, that’s a little weird, because the movie states that whoever I decide to brand in jail gets killed by the other prisoners. So, like, I’m pretty sure that’s a violation of my “no-kill” rule even if it’s via a loophole?
BUT WE get to see my awesome BATMOBILE and all my COOL GADGETS!! Everything is SO COOL when I get to USE my trademark GADGETS, RIGHT!?!
Actually, the best scene in the movie is me fighting a bunch of bad-guys one-on-one using basic fight choreography and a limited use of gadgets…
SO SUPERMAN and I team UP to defeat the NEFARIOUS, evil, cold-hearted businessMAN, Lex LUTHOR!
Who is actually kinda stupid in this movie? Like, he just acts like he’s on crack, like, the entire goddamn movie. And he, like, blows up the Capitol by using a jar of pee, A LITERAL JAR OF PEE, as a distraction… Like, I think Donald Trump would’ve made a better evil, megalomaniacal billionaire businessman than THIS guy…
Who UNLEASHES the monster DOOMSDAY to STOP US!!
And Doomsday looks like what would happen if you took one of those cave trolls from Lord of the Rings and bred it with a turd…
AND during the fight SCENE, I get to use some of my TRADEMARK quips!!!
Which have never been a trademark of mine…
BUT it’s all OKAY, because this movie scored ONE OF THE BIGGEST opening weekends of ALL TIME!
But it also had one of the biggest drops of all time in its second weekend, meaning the movie is now less likely to make a profit…
I hope you GO check OUT my new movie BATMAN v. Superman: Dawn OF Justice and THAT you’ll enjoy IT as MUCH as I did!
I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry…
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…Is… is anyone excited for The LEGO Batman Movie…?
