Film Critic Batman reviews Star Wars: The Force Awakens

February 1, 2016
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I’m BATMAN! And I am HERE to review a MOVIE that is getting A LOT of hype and PRAISE! It is called The Force AWAKENS and it is the SEVENTH movie in the STAR WARS franchise… like the never-ending war I FACE with this city’s underbelly, a constant BATTLE for light in a CHAOTIC world that TRAMPLES on the good, but we will PERSEVERE against the DARKNESS, and show that this is a city worth… What was I talking about…? Oh, right, STAR WARS! IT’S A MOVIE!

I’m BATMAN! And I have a PROBLEM with this whole STAR WARS phenomenon! It used to BE that MY MOVIE was THE number one OPENING WEEKEND of ALL TIME! My movie DEALT with SURVEILLANCE issues and TERRORISM and the inherent CHAOS THAT COMES OUT when we EMBRACE the DARKNESS AT THE CENTER OF MEN’S SOULS and MY MOVIE was beaten by a cute little ROLLING R2-D2!

I’m BATMAN! This is a MOVIE made solely for the sake of NOSTALGIA! If you wanted NOSTALGIA in one of MY movies, I WOULD be punching VARIOUS VILLAINS in an OVER-THE-TOP fashion while CHEESY MUSIC played, like I did in my TELEVISION series in the SIXTIES! That version OF my story THAT harkens BACK to an EARLIER era was ALREADY MADE, and it was called BATMAN & ROBIN! And if I REMEMBER correctly, NONE OF YOU PEOPLE CARED FOR THAT MOVIE AT ALL! Why does this TERRIBLE DOUBLE STANDARD exist between MY MOVIES and these silly STAR WARS MOVIES?!?!

I’m BATMAN! Director and screenwriter J.J. ABRAMS is being called PROGRESSIVE for making the PROTAGONISTS of this movie a WOMAN and a BLACK GUY! WHEREAS for me, I’m a GUY who wears BLACK and I will ONLY accept a WOMAN onto my TEAM to be my SIDEKICK if she puts the word BAT in front OF HER NAME! NO ONE is the PROTAGONIST of my movies EXCEPT FOR ME! BATMAN is always THE PROTAGONIST of BATMAN MOVIES!

I’m BATMAN! Everyone is EXCITED for the RETURN of CHARACTERS from the ORIGINAL TRILOGY, including Princess LEIA, Han SOLO, and LUKE Skywalker! But if they REALLY WANTED to return in a GRAND FASHION, they WOULD be KILLED by the JOKER and then COME BACK as A VILLAIN after 20 YEARS, the way VARIOUS ROBINS have returned into MY LIFE!

I’m BATMAN! The bad GUY of this MOVIE is the EVIL Kylo Ren. He is GETTING a LOT of ATTENTION for his LIGHTSABER that has a HILT! BIG DEAL! I would love TO SEE how the JEDI respond to being thrown EXPLOSIVE CHATTERING TEETH the way the JOKER likes TO DO, or VICIOUS VINES that come to LIFE the way POISON IVY likes to send my WAY! I happen TO THINK that the characters in this MOVIE get off pretty EASILY if all they have to worry ABOUT is a stupid little LIGHTSABER HILT!

I’m BATMAN! Apparently PEOPLE are CONCERNED about SPOILERS for this MOVIE! But here’s a spoiler YOU DIDN’T see coming: BOTH MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!!