Will Mann Please don’t tell him about the aliens. I know it’s been standard procedure to let every president-elect since the Roswell crash know about the aliens upon their ascension to the White House, but seriously… please don’t tell him about the aliens. We’ve run through the scenarios with our super-computers at Area 51, and here’s what’s most likely to happen: He’s gonna open his big mouth and tell the whole world about the existence of extraterrestrial life, and government knowledge of such, in a press conference at Trump Tower, destroying 70 years of confidentiality and triggering a world-wide panic in the process.
Then he’ll make fun of the aliens by calling them “those big-headed, grey losers” or “Crooked E.T.”, or he’s going to mock the way they talk, or say how much more impressive his human genitalia is than their strange alien genitalia. This will severely threaten our relationship with the aliens, right when they’re THIS CLOSE to giving us the cure for cancer AND a machine that prevents global warming in exchange for access to Netflix, Pokemon Go, episodes of Game of Thrones and tickets to Hamilton.
THEN he’s going to have a television interview where he says that he respects the aliens, but then also imply that they’re indirectly responsible for World War II. (Sample exchange: “Look, with limitless technology, don’t you think they could’ve prevented the rise of Hitler? They could’ve killed him! But they didn’t, probably because they don’t like us very much. I’m not saying that, but I know a lot of people who are.”) The aliens will obviously deny it because we didn’t start communicating with them until the 50s.
THEN he’s gonna threaten to nuke their mothership for “interfering with our space program” or threaten to ban them from the planet for “stealing American oxygen” (despite the fact they breathe silicon). You KNOW we can’t survive an intergalactic war. So, for the love of God, country and planet… just don’t tell him about the aliens.
